Friday, August 19, 2011

My Kids Say I'm Crazy....

I don't borrow books from the library.  I never rent movies.  I know for a FACT that there is nothing on top of my refrigerator that I want to see.  I will not eat food that I have brought home from a restaurant.  Common sense. Duh! 

Take the library thing.  Just think about how many strangers have touched those books.  And imagine what kind of stranger they are?  They could be axe murderers, or sex offenders, or they could have some dread disease, or Dog forbid they could be tax accountants! I don't know and I don't want to know.  Once I've read a book, I have invested something of myself into it emotionally and I just don't want strangers to have access to my left over aura.  And for paprika's sake--I want nothing to do with their skanky-toe-jam-butt-smell-number-crunching-left-over auras. I don't even go to libraries anymore AND I have rehomed every library book I have ever borrowed. Fines? Don't talk to me about fines.  I am a "Book Liberator". See?  Totally logical.

I have similar feelings about renting movies or borrowing movies or using Netflicker.  Just seems wrong to me that it is sooooo easy to access something that has so much energy, emotion, creativity, heart, and soul invested in it.  I totally agreed with James Hetfield and felt like it was divine pound you in the monkey-hole, universal big-bang, TANSTAAFL* when Napstealer and Sean Parker went down.  Creative people who use their creativity to make a living have the same right to be paid as other people to be paid for their work.  If it was so easy to create the Mona Lisa, or Ode to Joy, or Catcher in the Rye, or Crime and Punishment, or Fallen Caryatid, or Beowulf, ---we'd all be doing and it and it wouldn't be called art.  It would be called wiping your butt or picking your nose or masturbating.  Something that is so common everyday that it isn't worth experiencing or sharing with others. I am not even sure why I am explaining this one.  It is so obvious even ol' Shrub II could figure it out.

What about the refrigerator thing you ask?  Again plain common sense.  The refrigerator is really tall and I'm not.  The only way I am going to see what is on top of the refrigerator is if I climb up on a ladder and look.  And there is no way in hell that anyone is going to convince me to go up on a ladder.  If it requires me to go up a ladder then it's not worth looking at.  Don't bother putting things up there I won't look.  Dust does not exist up there because I can't see it.  If you wanted the perfect place to hide something from me it would be on top of the refrigerator.  Don't even get me started with the top shelves in the cabinets.  That is just plain fuc/ed up.  I believe it is subtle and pervaisive form of height descrimination and as soon as I figure out who to sue I am sueing their a$$es off!

As soon as food leaves the restaurant it become inedible.  This is an inarguable fact.  Food is meant to be eaten when served.  For Dog's sake they put it in "doggie bags"!  Yes, I said doggie bags.  I can just see all those pretentious waiters snickering out back while they are smoking their cheap, roll your own cigarettes, and  gossiping with each other about the new waitress Candy's ass, in their pathetic fake "franch" accents. Have you ever opened one of those white styrofoam boxes from Oliver's Gardener the next day?  That sad pile of noodles and congealed grease with the rubbery pinkish mystery meat and limp moldy green herb is NOT fettucini alfredo with grilled chicken.  That is DOG FOOD. 

Or how 'bout those cute little cardboard folded boxes with the chinese writing on them?  Have you ever wondered what the chinese writing is?  I bet it says----"Stupid white people dog food."  Haven't you ever noticed how pi$$ed the waiter is when he is boxing up the leftover food?  I bet he is thinking, "Why these stupid white peoples order so much food if they just going to feed to their dogs?"  "Don't they never heard of Alpo?" "Crazy fuc/er's turning they dog into cannibal. Not make sense."

Sometimes, it is permissible to keep homemade leftovers.  For example there is nothing better than chilled potato salad that is leftover in the refrigerator.  It is not okay if it has been left in the sun all day and then put in the refrigerator.  That is is not even dog food. That is poison. (Again. Duh.)  Other things that are best the next day--pizza, homemade spaghetti and meat sauce, roast beef, turkey (after four days it magically turns into dog food), stuffing (two days then dog food).  The tuna or egg salad left in the bowl after immediately making the sandwich must be thrown away.  Or you can feed it to the cats.  Not the dogs.  That is not dog food.

Some desserts are good the next day too--apple pie, pumpkin pie, cherry pie, cheesecake (which is really a creamier delicious kind of pie), and all other pies.  The rule of thumb with pies though is two days unless they have been touched by anyone but yourself.  Then only one day.  Pie is never ever dog food.  That is a sin and there is a special place in hell for people who give dogs perfectly good pie.

Anything that is past it's expiration date by even two seconds is poison and should be bagged up, placed in a lead lined box, and dumped at a nuclear waste facility in the section that is labled "SUPER EXTRA TOXIC".  You will know you are in the right place because it will be surrounded by giant signs suggesting you wear gas masks,  or that have nuclear waste symbols, and ones that have pictures of skulls and cross bones.  (FYI--Dick Cheney goes to these places on vacation when he is not hunting his friends. So watch out.)

I am not crazy.  I am right.  Everyone else is stupid.

*TANSTAAFL= One of my favorite author's Robert Heinlein used to say--"There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.  You're gonna pay.  It's just a matter of determining the coinage."

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